March 17&24, 2024
This lesson is about balancing the relationship of spouses to each other. This study will help you whether you are single, or you have been married for decades, or you are somewhere in between. This lesson is about how to maintain balance in your marriage, and incorporates some of the instruction from other premarital lessons.
You balance each other in your marriage by first fulfilling your responsibilities to each other. Do your part better and your spouse will likely do his or her part better.
Ephesians 5:22-24. A man’s greatest need is to rule. So, a wife’s responsibility is to submit. When wives submit, they meet their husband’s greatest need. The pattern for a wife’s submission is found in the relationship between the church and Christ. Christ is the head of the church. When the church is in submission to Christ, Christ rules the church and it functions very well. When the church rules, like you see with so many churches today, Christ is not in charge and the church is a mess. Wives make a mess in their marriages when they try to rule their husbands. God said, in Genesis 3:16, “… he shall rule over thee.” The world says, “women rule over them,” Isaiah 3:12. And notice, when wives take charge, their “children are their oppressors.” Not only are their marriages harmed, but their children are, too.
- A submissive woman is not a woman who is under her husband’s thumb, nor is she a servant living under the daily commands of her master. The virtuous woman in Proverbs 31 is strong and very capable. She does all the things you read about her and, yet, she is still submissive.
- Spiritual growth is very important here. Wives get better at submission with spiritual growth and time.
Ephesians 5:25-28. A woman’s greatest need is to be loved. So, the Lord assigns to their husbands the responsibility to love. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. That’s an unselfish, sacrificial love. That’s not easy and requires spiritual growth in him. The church is strengthened and helped by the love of Christ, as you see in verses 26-27. Likewise, when husbands love their wives as Christ loved the church, wives are strengthened and very encouraged by their love.
When wives submit and husbands love according to these instructions in Ephesians 5, they end up with a mutual respect for each other, which we must have to have a balanced marriage:
- Wives reverence their husbands, which they really appreciate. A wife’s reverence must be seen as an example to her children, and to other children in church.
- Husbands honor their wives [1 Peter 3:7]. A husband’s honor is wonderful and it is a great example to his children and to the children in church.
- A husband’s honor is important to his prayer life and the value of the couple’s inheritance together [1 Peter 3:7]. His prayers can be hindered when he doesn’t honor his wife. Wives should not jeopardize their husband’s prayers by giving them a reason to not honor them.
- It really helps to have a meek and quiet spirit. But, as 1 Peter 3:4 says, the price of a meek and quiet spirit is great. Wives should pray for this.
You balance each other in your marriage by taking care of yourself. This is like staying on your side of the seesaw.
Couples must take care of their natural life [1 Corinthians 2:14] and their spiritual life [1 Corinthians 2:15].
Take care of your natural life. You need:
- Exercise [1 Timothy 4:8]. There is some profit in bodily exercise.
- Nutrition [Daniel 1:5, 12-15]. You must learn to properly nourish yourself. Control your appetite [Proverbs 23:2]. Don’t go crazy here but learn what gives you strength
and what makes you sluggish. We’re all different and require different things. Some things you eat or drink may negatively affect your relationship with each other.
- Rest [Matthew 11:28-30]. You must learn how to rest and manage stress in your life. Jesus gives you rest. Some people feel stress in their arms, neck and back. Some get hot flashes. Most people don’t function as well under stress. Make the changes in your life that reduce stress.
- Husbands and wives can be very different here. You have to go with what works for you. Your exercise routines can be different, you don’t always eat the same things, and you may go to sleep at different times. But you should each do what works best for you because when you’re well, you’re able to do your part of the marriage better.
Take care of your spiritual life. You need to:
- Stay in church, make all the services, keep notes [Hebrews 10:25].
- Deal with the sin in your life [2 Timothy 2:19]. Sins don’t only hurt you; they hurt your marriage and your children.
- Pray for each other and pray together [1 Timothy 2:1].
- Rule your own spirit [Proverbs 25:28; Proverbs 16:32]. “Bad circumstances are not an excuse for bad behavior.” You must control your temper and bad behavior. There is no right way to do wrong. You often get maddest at those closest to you because you feel safe with them. Don’t do this.
- Stand strong on the truth [Ephesians 6:10, 14]. Adam should have stood against Eve’s temptation [Genesis 3:6]. Adam was “with her” and didn’t stop her from eating the fruit. Sarah had a bad idea about Hagar [Genesis 16:2-5] and Abraham should have refused to get with Hagar. Sarah had the right idea about Hagar and Ishmael [Genesis 21:10-12] and God confirmed that Abraham was to go along with her idea.
You balance each other in your marriage by realizing that your strengths and weaknesses complement each other. Don’t be critical or judgmental of the differences in your spouse. Your personalities are different. Appreciate and accommodate the differences. In marriage, you are either:
A Brooder or a Duck – Ducks need brooders and brooders need ducks. One spouse is generally a duck, and the other is a brooder. Ducks let things roll off their backs and move on. Brooders process things. But processing helps us understand things better. You can’t brood forever, though, or you’ll get bitter or you’ll get stuck. Limit the time in brooding.
Mary or Martha – in Luke 10:38-42 Martha was mad at Mary for sitting at the feet of Jesus. But by John 12:2-3 Martha was comfortable serving while Mary worshipped Jesus. Mary worshipped without distraction while Martha served without distraction. They balanced each other.
Merciful or Just – one spouse holds the sword and the other holds the bandage. One of you wants to discipline and the other one wants to sit down and discuss it. You must blend these two.
Tactful or Blunt – if you don’t blend these, one will talk for ever to keep from hurting the other’s feelings and never get around to saying anything. The other will talk with the manners of a surgeon and the other spouse will always be offended. Blend them. The tactful person should learn to be more direct and the blunt person should learn to be more graceful.
Emotional or Rational – one of you is going to be more emotional and the other more rational. The thinker helps the emotional person become more stable and the emotional person helps the rational person become more compassionate. Emotional decisions are always bad. A rational person provides stability for an emotional person. He/she keeps the other spouse from pulling everything down in a crisis.
Then there are doers or thinkers, neat nicks or pack rats [pack rats help neat nicks not be so OCD], shoppers or buyers, and so forth. You are NEVER going to change the other person!! So, don’t try. They may change on their own or the Lord may change them. But you won’t.
You balance each other in your marriage by communicating with each other. But remember the contrast between Venus and Mars when you talk to each other because you will often be on different wave lengths.
It will really help spouses to communicate with each other about your “love language.” If you haven’t already heard about love languages, we each have a principal way in which we express our love and desire to be loved:
- Words of affirmation – some thrive on these “well done”
- Acts of service – some appreciate these. Some husbands like to show their love with acts of service as long as they can work from a list, instead of listening to their wives tell him what to do all the time.
- Gift giving – this is how some show love. This can be problematic when your spouse only sees these gifts as fulfilling your desire to go shopping!
- Physical touch – it really helps when both are tactile.
- Quality time – this is what some call “alone time.”
Learn to listen and respect each other [James 1:19]. Be swift to hear. If you aren’t sure what your spouse just said, ask him or her. Make sure you know what was said and not what you think you heard.
Think before you speak [Proverbs 29:20]. Don’t be hasty with your words.
Once you know what to say, just say it [Proverbs 17:27-28]. A man that hath understanding spareth his words.
Keep a good sense of humor [Proverbs 15:13]. A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance. Learn to laugh at yourself.
Watch out for pride [Proverbs 13:10]. Only by pride cometh contention.
Keep a lid on your anger [Proverbs 14:17]. He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly.
Be quick to forgive [Ephesians 4:30-32]. Be kind and tenderhearted. And remember that it is common for people to take out their frustrations on those they love the most because they feel “safe” with them. Forgive them and don’t get pulled into their anger.